One Hell of a Hiatus!

 Greetings lovely people! 

 As the title of this post suggests the past...bugger, almost year has been one hell of a hiatus. Now where to start...

Seizures

 Success! After many tests, trial and errors and tears I finally have a diagnosis. I turns out that I'm not epileptic but instead I suffer from Non-Epileptic Seizure Disorder (NES). It seems a bit strange that the condition doesn't have it's own name, the term NES referring to what it isn't rather than what it is but the subset I suffer from is specifically Psychogenic NES - Dissociative seizures. In simple terms it is seizures brought on because of extreme emotional/mental distress, in my case getting so stressed/anxious/lost/wound-up that my brain would overheat and shut down. Not fun.

 Luckily with having a diagnosis it's made it easier to treat. Then again it happened the other way around for me, having gone to my GP about depression/anxiety in February, starting on medication in April and not getting a definitive diagnosis until September. My GP did advise that I contact my neurologist about and when I saw him for my last appointment he was absolutely wonderful, very reassuring and stressed that NES is a legitimate condition and not something that I'm making up or something utterly unknown that's wrong with me. 

BPD

 As a result of further therapy and other related...everything I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Again, it's not fun but it's nice having a diagnosis. I'm still waiting on (surprise surprise) more therapy. It definitely explains a lot anyway; my mental health has been constant extremes from one to another and I'm looking forward to achieving some state of normality. 

My low point was definitely last month. The doctors' surgery that I go to is split between two practices, I was already having a bad, bad day and, when going for a medication review, it turned out that I'd gone to the wrong practice. My Mam was due to pick me up from the one I'd went to after my appointment and I'd spend a nice day with her and my niece. Instead the receptionist informed me in a very, very rude way that I wouldn't make it to my appointment at the other practice in time and that I should pay closer attention; then threatening to place a note on my record there that I was unreliable to turn up to appointments. Because it's totally my fault that because of seizures I'm not allowed to drive, public transport is rubbish and the member of staff who made my appointment was rather ambiguous on which surgery it was (I've been going to just one of them since I was...born). 

 On hearing that news, my Mam taking me over to the other surgery and being told that the doctor I was seeing had already gone to a meeting it resulted in somewhat of a breakdown. It's the first time that my niece has ever seen me in that state and I really, really hope that it's the last. It's not something a three-year-old should have to see; luckily I'm on the waiting list for more specialised therapy so it shouldn't be happening again.

Wedding Planning...

 My Bridal Minions are awesome! I'm not using the term 'maids' because of having a mixed-gender team, plus it just seems like a rubbishy word. I'm well on track with dresses, close to getting a venue booked and decorations are well on track! :D one positive that's been ongoing. It might seem like a stress but I'm having fun with it, 18 months to go!

Stormageddon

 Stormageddon turned two this month, we had a little party for him - isn't he lovely!? Grumpy as ever, gorgeous as ever.

 Anyway, more exciting posts to come! Auf Wiedersehen for now <3

The Labour Party's Patronising-tastic Pink Bus: Politics for Grrrls

 Oooh! I'm so glad Labour have come up with a way to get us lady-types involved in politics. It's so difficult to understand all the big words they use like "continuing austerity" and "keeping tuition fees" but having something shiny and pink to help us decide how to vote. Why wouldn't we vote for something pink and shiny?? My fluffy little brain couldn't handle the thought of anything else.

And if you need any more convincing  ladies, look no further- they even have a kitchen table!! Now we don't have to leave our assigned place to engage in politics!

In other words: are you having a laugh Labour? Fuck off.

 Now, onto the serious part.

 We've all had a good laugh at Labour's  idea to try and engage women in politics (just think, somebody got paid actual money to come up with that idea) but as with ideas like Blair's Babes all it's done is open the party up to ridicule and in the age of social media it's much easier to get involved with that ridicule. Don't get me wrong, historically there's been a bias towards rich white men in politics but when you look at women MPs like Rachel Reeves saying people should only be able to claim jobseekers allowance for up to two years, in a time of few jobs and economic crisis, are they really reflecting our best interests? And those in parliament and council chambers claiming that they're feminists, throwing up their hands and saying "it's such a shame we have to do this" while making cuts to women's refuges and surestart centres - do they reflect our best interests?

 I was going through some things at my parent's the other day (not looking for my old GameBoy at all) I stumbled across my old Labour Party membership card. Before you judge me it was just after the general election before Labour elected their new leader, I took one look at the ballot paper and couldn't believe I'd paid a whole quid for it!! I was a member for three months before cancelling my subs and joining the Socialist Party a few months later. Sure,  we're a small party but I'd rather ally myself with a small organisation than participate in something I didn't agree with that had a chance at power - basically the opposite of the Lib Dems. At that point I'd been involved in a youth project for a new youth centre in the middle of Newcastle, a place where all the city's youth services would be based in one place and give young people a safe place to get together. After two years of hard work we were called into an emergency meeting with the new Labour council where he told us that the funding we had was being returned to Big Lottery. Reason being? They didn't tell us in the meeting but they were in the beginnings of cutting all of the youth services, even before parliament had set their budget. We felt powerless, voiceless and let down. 

 After that I'll never vote Labour, ever. That meeting demonstrated to me that they don't care about the voices and needs of young people. The first time I voted was in the police commissioner's election. I spoiled my ballot paper.

 We're standing in the general election as part of TUSC, the Trade Unionist and Socialist Coalition, the political child of Bob Crow, the RMT, FBU and other unions and left-wing parties, with Paul standing as the MP candidate for Newcastle East. 2015 is set to see the biggest left of Labour challenge for years, with TUSC standing over 100 parliamentary candidates. There have been plenty of arguments over TUSC splitting the left vote, taking votes away from Labour and the Green Party.

 But while it may still say 'socialist' on the back of Labour's membership cards (my old one anyway) they're anything but. And with the reputation of Brighton's Green controlled council making as many cuts as Labour, Lib Dem or Tory councils there's very little 'left' within it.

 While it can be hard being a woman in left-wing politics I'm glad I've gotten involved to  help make a change. And the women with the Socialist Party aren't just active on women's issues but in everything the party does and are encouraged to do so. The big difference I've found being involved in TUSC and the SP is that the members are in touch with the issues they campaign on, they're the ones affected by these cuts and see the impact of them day-to-day. Hell, I'm proud to be part of something that is engaging women without patronising them and working in their interests, no matter how small the party it's better to stand by our principles than sell out those you're supposed to represent.

A Happy (Extremely Belated) New Year!

 Well hello, hello! It has been some time. Between Christmas, New Year and getting back to uni January has been one hell of a month. I expect there'll have been a torrent of 'my new year's resolution' blog posts since the beginning of this month so I kind of feel like I've missed out on something there; still, even if it's not strictly new year anymore I just started back at uni last week (though have been in and out for students' union things) I feel like I'm gradually coming out of hibernation. 

 I'm not a fan of New Year's Resolutions, just because it's a new year by the calendar means people throw themselves into exhausting gym routines, detox diets (don't even get me started on that shit!) and the rest because, well, it's the done thing in January! They're often drastic and impractical changes that cause more stress than good. The only sure way to make changes that stick is through small adjustments one at a time over a long period of time. Putting such pressure on yourself to change in a short period of time isn't a sustainable solution and when you don't reach the goals you set yourself in the time you want to it can lead to a lot of resentment and beating yourself up - trust me, been there done that!

 I've stuck at the 'resolutions' quite well, though I wouldn't really call them that. The word itself sounds like a big grand gesture type thing, these are just little changes - managing my time better, cooking from scratch more and getting takeaway less (broken by 3am January 1st!), and trying to keep the flat tidy. I have been working my bum off on these starting with getting a diary, it's been lovely having everything in one place and with how bad my memory has been lately it's certainly been a big help. Cooking has been great for keeping me in a routine too, it's therapeutic working my way through making a meal considering long-term anxiety I've had around food, the process is very calming seeing exactly what I'm putting into my mouth and how it's all come together. As a feminist I've carried a lot of guilt around my feelings towards food, feeling it's something I should be over by now, I've got the coping mechanisms so why am I still struggling? and so on. And so many online resources from feminist publications just seem a bit too...softly-softly, unhelpful, not really offering practical help but more "yeah, this is an issue...". Meh. Luckily there's a wonderful group here in Newcastle  which offers a lot of support to women in my position.

 Keeping the flat tidy has been...easy, ish. I'm lying actually, I'm rubbish at it. But I'm making a start, little things like loading the dishwasher and doing the washing on a regular basis rather than when I can no longer see the bedroom floor. We're currently planning spending a Sunday taking EVERYTHING out of there into the living room and having a great big clean-and-chuck-out but haven't had a free day to do so yet. It's on the list though!

 Anyway... for the big news: we've got two years left of wedding planning! Last year was pretty much a write-off and nothing has been checked off the to-do list, it's pretty scary thinking how quick the time has gone since we've gotten engaged and the whole 'impending list of doom' there is to complete within the two years we've got left. But y'know, long engagement, the idea was to take it at a chill pace. The panic will undoubtedly kick in pretty soon and you'll be subjected to a wonderfully stressed post about all the worries, I certainly look forward to it!

 Til then, here is a picture of Stormageddon's lovely little bum:

The Death of Tugce Albayrak

 So it's been almost three months. And with good reason. The day after my last post my uncle died and I have to say it really broke me. He'd been ill for a few week and happened just as things seemed to be looking up for him. I'm still totally broken by it. I had considered afterwards just letting this run into obscurity, leave my blog and start fresh. But I saw this today and after months of recovering it brought a lot back up.

Image - Reuters, source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-30268653

 I saw the news tonight about the death of Tugce Albayrak.

 A woman in Germany was taken off of life support on her 23rd birthday, having sustained brain damage when intervening after hearing cries from two women being harassed in the toilets of a fast food restaurant. There are a lot of elements at fault here but not the actions of Tugce.

 Probably around a month after my last post I was assaulted under similar circumstances, I was on my way to meet somebody at the airport, a woman I had never met before staying with me for the North East Feminist Gathering weekend in October. It was getting late, I had very little phone battery and was by myself on the basis that I'd meet her there and we'd go back to mine together. I had my headphones in and noticed somebody get onto the Metro and sit near me. He tried to engage me in conversation but being wary of travelling alone I kept my head down and ignored him. After a while I saw him get up and move onto another woman but kept a close eye on him, as she was also travelling alone and seemed just as uncomfortable as I did. She also ignored him so he moved onto others, I kept a close eye, up until he sat down with a young woman who looked no older than 16. At that time I decided I needed to intervene, as he touched her face and her legs and she sat saying nothing, visibly terrified.

 There have been many occasions where I have been in the same position as this young woman and to say it is unpleasant is an understatement. Being surrounded be people who don't look up while your personal space and privacy is invaded and feeling totally isolated at the same time. So I got up and though I could be a diversion, even if I just cause a scene rather than making a profound point it will stop him from touching her. I told her not to touch her, who did he think he was? So, in all of his might, he threw a rolled-up newspaper at me. Very tough. I told him I wasn't scared of him. It was a lie, I was terrified. He got up and shoved me down, smirking and swaying while he stood over me and people just looked. 

 "Why aren't you scared of me? You should be scared of me."  

 It sounds very silly to me, still being scared of this, still getting the shakes every time I get on public transport. I came away with damaged tendons and a bit of fear, that's all; but with the size of this man and his behaviour I genuinely thought he could have killed me. That's what a culture of violence against women does to you. 

 My case is still ongoing but seeing this tonight really shook me. The police were really good to me, the Metro workers were too - after I was worried I'd be in trouble for pressing every emergency stop button on my way as I was chased up the carriage. I believe that when Tugce Albayrak intervened in the incident which she did she didn't think she was doing anything remarkable. Neither did I but I was told afterwards how brave I was by friends, by police, by support workers. I didn't feel brave. I felt scared, I felt silly and I felt like I as making a fuss. And seeing the news about a woman dying for doing something similar just makes me all the more scared. If we don't stand up for other women then who will? But if we're assaulted and killed for doing so then who will want to speak up with those threats hanging over them?

 Male privilege is injuring and killing women, the entitlement some men believe they have to women's bodies, space and attention. It wasn't standing up for women that killed Tugce Albayrak, it was male 'entitlement' and violence against women. It wasn't the act of intervention, it was the act of violence against women which killed Tugce. As a good friend of mine says, after the deaths of women in these circumstances people always say there are 'lessons to be learned', but it seems there is a vast library of these so-called lessons out there but nobody is learning from them.

 Tugce Albayrak may not have believed she was a hero but her actions were heroic. Rest in power, sister xx

Busy Day Tomorrow... Radio et al.

 Evening all, it's a late one tonight. I have a very good excuse for my recent inactivity:

 The worst has happened, after six years of loyal service my laptop has finally given up. Well, the screen has fallen off and it's a pain in the arse to use; I have to hold it up with one hand and type with the other. I can't decide whether it's more or less of a pain in the arse posting from my phone - so far I'm going to go with more, it's shit!

 Anyway I'm going to keep this post quite short, I've got my neurology appointment tomorrow afternoon. FINALLY!! It's been such a long wait, being ill for months on end without having a clue what's doing it is pretty scary. My appointment isn't going to be a magic cure but hopefully it'll be the beginning of the end, fingers crossed.

 Busier still, I've got an interview on BBC radio Five Live Breakfast tomorrow morning!! Ten past seven IN THE MORNING though!! (Y'know, as breakfast suggests) it'll be a miracle if I don't end up at the studio still in my pajamas. The interview is to coincide with the beginning of university for some tomorrow on Lad Culture and my experiences of sexism on campus. I had to waive my anonymity because of one of the incidents I'll be talking about, for those of you who won't be awake to catch it I'll post the link to it tomorrow. It's an issue I'm really passionate about addressing in my role as Women's Rep this year so any ideas and feedback from you lovely readers would be wonderful :)

 I'm trying to get an early night tonight but just wanted to say a big thanks to those of you who've sent me lovely supportive messages via Facebook and Twitter in response to my last few posts. I've been feeling really isolated lately and it's just wonderful to get such nice messages, it's helped me to feel less disconnected and out of the loop. I'll be posting again tomorrow to let you all know how the interview and the appointment go, lots of love!!

Update: I've just had a call from the BBC and they've pushed my interview back to its original time of ten past eight, so I've got another hour in bed! ;)

I've lost my leggings virginity! And other tidbits

 Welcome back readers, apologies once again for another long break. As I explained in my last post I've been very poorly lately and often have very little energy left for this, which is very very sad. But I've got some rather interesting entries in the works for you all so they are to be looked forward to! This is more just a catching up, getting me back into writing post for now. 

 Less than three weeks to go until my neurology appointment now, it certainly cant come quick enough! I'm still having an awful time with these seizures, as an adult woman it's rather embarrassing having to explain to friends and family that the bruise on your arm or the black eye is from injuring yourself during one. There have been good things in the past month though, The People's March for the NHS set off eleven days ago now and they're on track to reach London for September 6th so if you're in the area when they're passing through your town or city be sure to show your support for them. It's a wonderful cause which originated as an idea from a group of mums in Darlington, the Darlo Mums, to re-enact the Jarrow March in order to raise awareness of the cuts and privatisation happening to the NHS. I was very happy to be invited to speak on the platform at the rally before the march set off, it was very humbling to see so many turn up to see off the marchers. I was up there speaking as a descendent of one of the original marchers and seeing that the legacy of it is still so vibrant is very touching.

Look how big!!

 

 Well done to all those marching, very good cause, please give them your support. Why not join in if you can? Paul and myself did the first leg of it to Chester-le-Street, it was really nice seeing so many people in high spirits out in support of our health service. And believe me it's gruelling committing to something like this, I did about two weeks in total of the Youth Fight For Jobs march back in 2011 and a few weekends, not all in one go but I feel that it was easier doing the week in one go than the weekends as you got into the routine of it a bit more, there was more good nights of sleep (apart from those where your comrades snored - no names!) rather than marching ten miles in a day after sleeping on a coach/train - then having the same bad sleep in preparation for the week ahead of you. But don't let it put you off!!  

 The picture to the left is ...I don't actually know what it is but I picked it up somewhere on the way to Birtley, and by picked up I mean found in the sole of my shoe! Yikes, very glad I wore my walking shoes that day.

 In other news - VICTORY!! There were over 70,000 signatures on the petition to get the mother's name on the marriage certificate and the current outdated certificate we have at the minute is set to be given the heave-ho. Even though David Cameron has 'pledged' to resolve this I still couldn't trust the man as far as I could throw him but now that the public pressure is clearly there we're much closer to this becoming reality.

*Side ramble: when I went to google this I got a little side-tracked after typing in 'mother', my browser seems to know my interests now and came up with 'mother of the bride dresses'. I had a little poke about by something I couldn't get over? None of the women modelling dresses marketed specifically in a category 'mother of the bride' looked old enough to have a daughter of marrying age, how irksome! 

 What else what else? Hmmm... this may seem a bit filler-ish but it really isn't actually (don't you 'yeah, yeah' me). The other week I had a very horrible incident involving my smoke alarms. We have a rather old heating system with a water heater instead of a boiler, so if you want to have a bath and do the dishes at the same time then tough, the dishes will just have to wait. Though there is a way round this with the emergency switch, y'know, for emergencies like if the dishes just can't wait. Anyway after Paul had a bath that morning the switch was left on accidentally and the water heater started steaming. The same happened the day we moved into our flat, almost a year ago now, and it set the smoke alarms off. It caused a lot of bother a) because of the ceilngs being so high are impossible to reach and b) even when you find something to stand on to reach them they don't have a working hush switch. Because the property is rented they're wired into the mains to prevent tenants taking the batteries out when they burn their toast, forgetting to replace them and burning the house down. Ours have never gone off when we've burned food though, it only goes off for the water heater so there was clearly something wrong with it. Last time it only lasted half an hour or so (I say only...) which should have flagged up that there was something wrong but this time it went on for Three. Straight. Hours.

A not so happy Stormy having a bath

It was bloody awful, I was ill enough as it was that day but three hours of non-stop noise was unbearable. I had to text Paul at work, he rang me back and I couldn't talk for crying (this was after about an hour), so he ended up ringing my mam and she came from work to wait with me while the landlord sent somebody round to sort it out. Most of all I was worried about Stormageddon. He's my little baby and I was so worried about the noise scaring him and the scare making him poorly, so my hero of a mam got him out of his viv (I was too worked up to), into his carry box and into her car to sit for a bit. And the little git had slept right through it, lucky thing! He wasn't happy about being disturbed  but I felt better for it. So mam could get back to work I took him round to my friends', Clara and Nina's. It was lovely of them to take him in as they were doing a big clean up ready to move out, I'm really grateful to have such lovely women in my life.  

 Which brings me to today. I had an exam this morning which was absolutely awful (don't ask) and left me in a buy/eat everything in sight mood. I had tried so hard to prepare for it, even having a bath the night before to get a decent sleep that night. However it took a turn for the worst during that when I had a seizure in the bath. It's been frustrating not being able to have them unsupervised but I definitely get why now. Paul didn't realise what was happening at first, he just thought I was rinsing my hair but when the splashing started he got me out straight away. It was pretty traumatic, I'd taken in a fair bit of water and felt awful the rest of the night, in fact I still feel like I've got some up my nose. Still, after years of avoiding the trend I gave in and bought my first ever pair of leggings in my strop today. I'm pretty pleased with them (although I may not look it!) my main reason being I have some lovely dresses from Moonmaiden Gothic, that I want to be able to wear over the winter but would be a bit too chilly with just tights. They're all handmade by Sarah and Michael Eddy, a wonderful couple based in Cornwall; for such great quality clothing they're very reasonably priced too.

 Anyway, I hope to get my new posts up before I go back to uni. Until then - happy feministing!

The Importance of Self-Care: Theory and Practice

Afternoon all!

 Now it's been quite a while since my last post, it's seeming to be one thing after another lately. A mixture of tendinitis in my shoulder when trying to finish university work, preparing for a few short breaks, work, and now when that all seems to have settled down my health seems to have taken a rather bad turn. Over the past month I've been having (as of yet) unexplained seizures, mostly as it's been described to me afterwards as tonic-clonic seizures, and partial seizures in other cases. Having been back and forth to my GP and to the hospital in this time I'm having to wait until September for a referral to a neurologist; while I've made necessary adjustments to my own lifestyle in the meantime it's frustrating and honestly quite scary having to wait such a long time for a diagnosis and even then the guarantee that I'll get a diagnosis straight off. At first it seemed the most terrifying part of them was waking up, unable to speak and feeling weak all over, but now the worst seem to be those while I remain conscious but don't have control over my own body and motions. But as scared as I am I'm determined not to let it rule my life.

 In the past few years self-care has been very big on the feminist agenda it seems. Far from being a new concept it's great to see it making a comeback, but while it's often discussed as a wonderful notion it is one of those things that I know I'm not alone in finding very hard to apply to myself. I'm extremely guilty of, well, feeling guilty when caring for myself, I often feel as if I'm abusing the idea or using it as an excuse to be lazy. The right answer here should be 'even if I am, so fucking what??' but I tend to find myself panicking and the guilt piling up for doing so and even more for thinking in that way; I've found it to be a vicious cycle. Since I've been feeling the toll of these fits on my general health and well-being though I thought it was about time that I really made an effort with it.

 I feel as though it has had an impact on my relationship too. Paul has always had a very caring nature and for as long as we've been together he's really looked after me but because neither of us know what's causing it, when it will happen or what to do about it it's scary and very frustrating for us both. He's learning well how to cope with me though, going to doctors appointments with me, researching bits that he can and helping me with keeping a note of what happens during and after seizures. His workplace have been accommodating too,  letting him take the time off for the appointments or if we've spent the night at the hospital, and allowing him to keep his phone on hand to get in touch and see how I am through the day. One drawback though is that Paul says it makes him feel quite possessive doing this, especially when I was on a weekend away with friends and he just wanted to be sure I was okay; I've been doing my best reassuring him that I don't mind and I really understand both why he feels like that but also why he wants to be sure I'm okay. It can be horrible thing seeing someone you love ill in this this way and not knowing how to fix it - and unfortunately for us it seems to be me who does most of the being ill!

 I'm currently easing myself into a routine of self care and really hope to carry on with it even after I've gotten a diagnosis and hopefully something to control the symptoms, so here are a few tips that I would like to pass on as somebody who has struggled to get into it, I know I'm not the only one!

• Don't feel like a burden - you most certainly aren't!

 This is something I really had trouble with, possibly fall-out from past mental health issues, but to begin with I found it hard to accept help and allow myself to be looked after by Paul and other friends and family. I hated the fact that there were things I had to rely on others for, like making sure I'm safe during a seizure and caring for me afterwards; I suppose I felt guilty more than anything else that people around me were on edge because of it. What finally convinced me to change this thinking was the wonderful women I went with to Horton Women's Centre and those that I met there too. Being in such a safe, supportive environment with people I was so close to got me to thinking that they have no obligation to look after me but do it because they care for me and about my well-being. I've always verbalised my concerns and still tend to apologise after seizures but even with that compromise it's had a very positive impact on my own dealing with them as it takes at least one element away from my anxiety around them by not worrying so much.

• Know and respect your limitations

 Another big hurdle with my past experience of self care, not knowing or just flat out ignoring my limits. I often convinced myself that I was able to do more than I was doing and I could always do "just that little bit more" than I was and I'd be fine; not just physically but mentally too. When I had tendinitis I would still go into work with my arm in a sling, serving food on day shifts, cleaning the top shelves, serving as quickly as I could on busy Friday nights. At the time I thought I could give Wonder Woman a run for her money but looking back it really slowed down my recovery time. This time round it's taken getting injured at work during a fit to stop me, after the incident Head Office requested a note from my GP to say whether or not they thought I would be safe to continue working; when I went my GP said she didn't feel she was able to guarantee this, which I took as a bit of a blow because I really do enjoy my job and now I'm having to take sick leave. To their credit though, when it first began they were very supportive and accommodating of me, making sure that I wouldn't be working alone and would be only doing duties they felt I would be safe doing. Sadly in the end with the environment I work in it just wasn't safe for me, bars can be dangerous places, but I really did appreciate the lengths they went to to support me and eventually the message it sent me about having to accept that it was in my best interest.

• Treat yourself and eat well

 Treating yourself can take on many forms and I find it's a very important part of looking after yourself, whether it's a nice glass of wine, taking a long bath, having a weekend away, a small indulgence when you feel you need one can do you the world of good. However in the past I've had a lot of issues with my weight and body image and I've found I tend to get really, really hungry after seizures, craving carby, sugary foods. At first I'd be reaching for crisps or chocolate and it was very helpful, having that little indulgence to make me feel better after a fright. Now that I've adjusted a little more to the situation it has become easier to plan around this, get in foods that I know will do me best, giving me the energy boost that I need rather than just something to fill the void. However I have been determined to treat myself at least once a day, something "bad" for me (often a nice glass of wine!) so that I'm staying as healthy as I can but still allowing myself that bit of enjoyment.

 Another thing I've found very useful around food is to prepare meals in advance. As it gets later in the day I tend to feel worse so I'm trying to get into the habit of cooking when I feel up to it, or even daring enough to make a trip to the shops, and pop it in the fridge/freezer for I want it through the week. It's a good way to ensure that when you're at a low point then you'll be eating food that's good for you rather than reaching for whatever is easiest, but at the same time there's absolutely nothing wrong with the easy option if that is the type of food you get the best feeling from. Paul and I always have the deal that if I cook then he does the washing up, it's a system that works for us but lately it's not working as well; luckily he's very handy in the kitchen, not just at the sink, and has been cooking for us when I don't feel up to it. I try and do the same through the day and keep on top of the dishes, just to return the favour, but it always reminds me why we struck up that deal in the first place - I bloody hate doing dishes!!

Well looked-after!

• Keep yourself busy

Unfortunately the post-fit cravings have led to me putting on a little weight, along with the exercise I'm used to doing no longer being safe (if I can't have a bath by myself because of them then swimming is definitely out of the question). So I've been looking for other types of gentle exercise that I can do at home, finding something that works for me that I can enjoy safely. It can be quite stressful and at the minute I'm finding it hard just keeping busy. Daytime television can be easy entertainment as a one-off but after a few days it really starts getting to you. It's the best time of any to start reading all those books you haven't got round to, do those craft projects you got all the supplies for but haven't found the time for, take a walk, explore bits of your town you've never been to before. Finding a routine can be useful if you're that sort of person, I'm struggling to find one at the moment but I'm sure I'll get there.

 With Paul working, me being off on the sick and being off uni at the moment I'm finding it difficult even to keep busy. But it's giving me a bit of time now to get ahead on wedding planning, and if it's done now then it'll be one less stress later on! Doing it in my free time now gives me time to have all the details thought out, but I can guarantee that many future posts on wedding planning will include the phrase "If it's not done now then it will never get done!"


 While this is no means a definitive list and may not work for everybody it's what I'm finding the most useful at the moment. You may well see some updates to this list but for now I'm off to play Pokémon for a bit, my DS and I have become reacquainted over the past few weeks.

 Until next time xx