So it's three in the morning. I'm sat here with a glass of wine, a ciggie*, and the Blue Belles Back Catalogue playlist. And I think about all of the people I've been fortunate enough to meet; and the ones I've been more fortunate to forget about. And today I've lost somebody I've lost somebody that has been there for me since year dot. Somebody I didn't think I'd be without for many, many years to come; somebody I never thought I'd actually not have in my life - for whatever reason.
My Dad met Russ 43 years ago when they were still in primary school. That's quite impressive; I remember meeting my bestie about twenty years ago and I think we're pretty much two halves of the same person about now. Russ has been there throughout the entirety of my (almost) twenty three years of existence. He's been there at an age where I got the stand from a goldfish bowl stuck round my neck; when I looked like a screaming beetroot; when I found out I'd gotten into university; when I lost my first tooth; when I got engaged; when he met my partner; when I was a scared little kid. Always there with a cuddle and a wheezy laugh.
We'd talk about politics, the environment, history, gender equality, and - most importantly - making fun of my Dad. After all: what are best friends for? I truly aspire to be this similar influence in my friends' children's' lives. In fact I remember her daughter being less than a week old, going to see her for the first time and seeing a UKIP broadcast , and holding the baby close, covering her eyes and ears and whispering 'shhh, don't worry, the nasty frog man will `gone soon. Then - almost a year later - waking up on her Mam's settee to the same kid chewing on my bag strap and belt, while her Mam made coffee. There I was, lying hungover on a settee, snowing outside, my best friend making me coffee and breakfast, while her daughter sat on the floor chewing and drooling on my clothes for the day. We were basically sharing nappy cream at the time, seeing as I'd just gotten a new tattoo and she's still wearing nappies.Now she's two. And I remember being that age and playing with Uncle Russ. It can be such a critical age in a kid's life, I'm still not at a conclusion. I don't know how to conclude somebody like Russ. He's my very strange; bipolar buddy; fellow conspiracy theorist; fantasy war-gamer; raging leftie; constant presence in my life; helping me develop and become confident in my own style.
Basically... I'm a fucking wreck. But Paul, and some good tunes, are keeping me nice and grounded. I might seem "out of control" to others - I am slightly -, but to me and Paul arne managing perfectly. The only time our routine goes tits up is when shit like this happens. Anyway, my plan for the...next day is to write a letter to Uncle Russ's daughter. She is basically my sister from another mister. I was about 11, 12ish when we first met, and you were about...18 months? And if Russ spoke to you the same way my Dad spoke to me about Russ... Then we could easily flip the scenario and you would most likely be the one wondering how I'm doing. Having, in that case, me losing a father and you losing a father figure. Babe, I remember when I was...12, and you were tiny, picking you up under the arms and spinning you round - with all of my small child strength, going "whee!" and you squealing with delight. And I remember having the most amazing week with you and your Dad that week, finally meeting you after your Dad telling me I was getting a little cousin. I know I've been absent for a lot of your life Tills, but I'd really like to change that. Mostly so that you know you have three very willing and able candidates for a spare Dad: my Dad, my Brother, and my Partner. I know that they will never make up for you losing your own Dad, and they won't make up for me losing him either, but they're my only other male role models and I can't bare the thought of you going through life without a somewhat cynical but overall positive male role model. I write this to you as a feminist, and somebody who will always love you no matter what, and will offer you somewhere to stay for however long you need whatever the circumstance. Love you Tills.
So yeah, I'm a wreck of a human. What am I going to do?
Lizi
*Anybody who read this far had to know it was a spiff. Otherwise the rest wouldn't have made sense.
