Look What My Clever Friend Made!! Facebook Chats With Women (with sneak preview)

Morning all! (Well, it was morning when I started writing this post.) Thank you so much for the feedback on Facebook to yesterday's post, it was really interesting and refreshing to hear all of the mixed opinions and thoughts from men/masculine identified folk on how they'd feel about getting flowers. Overwhelmingly a lot would love to, though some would prefer potted plants or food (I can't help but agree on the food front); I'll be doing a more detailed follow up post to it next week but this morning I thought I would give a special shout-out to my amazing, amazing bridesmaid Clara.

 I met Clara back in 2011 when I was speaking at a meeting for Newcastle Uni's Feminist Society, their first meeting of the semester. I'd organised the first Newcastle SlutWalk in June of that year (many thanks to Clara Shield of Little Big Butterfly for the video, one of my early feminist mentors!) and being only 16 at the time of organising the march and 17 when speaking at the meeting, I'm not ashamed to admit that I was a little intimidated - not by the people but the situation. Being so young I felt a bit insecure about my views and didn't feel as 'qualified' to speak about feminism as women who were older than me. I know now that I had no reason to be nervous or insecure but when you spend your childhood always second-guessing yourself and, as a woman, socialised to not feel so assertive about your opinions then it becomes a natural thing to do. Needless to say they were wonderful and welcoming, I met so many fantastic people through the FemSoc but Clara especially.

This lovely lady right here <3

 I stammered and stuttered my way through what I had to say (again, a hangup from childhood) and listened intently to the discussion that followed. At the end of the meeting the young woman sitting next to me, with curly hair and a lovely smile tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I knew somebody from her course - it turned out I did! I'd went on the student walk-outs the previous year with him; we got to chatting and after that frequently ran into each other at meetings and other feminist events, bonding over left-wing politics, DIY feminism and our love of riot grrrl. I think the solidifying moment of our friendship was walking back to Heaton from the Star and Shadow cinema on the day of the infamous MonToon, laughing hysterically despite the rotten weather, with soggy socks and shoes that had been dried out because of the walk there on top of the cinema projector. Fast forward a few years of coffee, wine, more laughter and self-care and Clara landed her dream job working for a publishing company in London. I was thrilled for her but utterly grief-stricken that she was leaving Newcastle. Despite the distance our friendship is as strong as ever and I always look forward to our phone calls and visits.

"Of course we can smash the patriarchy with lipstick, what else would we do with it?"

 This morning Clara surprised myself and our friends Nina and Martine with a sneak preview of a Zine she's been working on to present at...(wait for it)...WEIRDO ZINE FEST! For those of you in London or are able to travel there for the event the details can be found here. It's the first solo project she's finished and sent to print and I was completely blown away by it. An 11 page laugh-riot 'Facebook Chats with Women' looks at the self-deprecation we do as women, doubting what we say and feeling guilty for saying it, exploring the issue in a fantastically funny way and encouraging the validation we give to each other, as well as nudging us to validate our own feelings more often in a funny, friendly and relatable way. All of the quotes are taken from chats with friends and looks at the wonderful things women say to build each other and ourselves up, with a little dash of existential crisis sprinkled in!

 And now for a sneak preview...

Not only is she an awesome human being but she's an incredible artist too.

 So if you're in London on January 31st GET YOURSELF TO WEIRDO ZINE FEST and pick up a copy of Facebook Chats With Women. I can tell you now that you'll have nothing better to do that day.   

 And if you can't wait until then for more of Clara's wonderful witticisms then follow this lovely gem on Twitter @claraheathcock

A Belated Happy 2016...and smashin' those Gender Norms (TL,DR: getting a bloke flowers)

 Happy New Year dear readers! We're only what, two weeks into it so this is quite good timing for me. I've been trying my best to keep busy around the house so for once it's in a fantastic state, I'm rather proud of myself. Depressions and anxiety can really get in the way of keeping your living space tidy, you don't want to get out of bed let alone do anything productive yet at the same time you panic about getting everything done, what people will think of the state of your home, how miserable it's making you being in such an untidy environment...it's a vicious cycle. But since New Year I've felt fantastic, staying on an up-spell for a whole fortnight does come with the panic of "when will I be back to being miserable? oh dear, oh dear", but I'm doing my best not to think that way and just enjoy the positivity. It's the happiest I've felt in about six months.

Clear house, clear head!

 Now, down to business...

 My relationship seems to be the best it's been for a while too, probably to do with me feeling better about myself; I love Paul unbelievably but I'm sure many of you with similar conditions also find it hard to appreciate your partner when you feel awful about yourself, and generally feeling not much fun to be around. So since I've been feeling better about myself I've started putting more work into my relationship. It got me thinking too: What little romantic gestures would really make me smile? Then it hit me.

 I've only gotten flowers twice in my life, once from my Dad and once from Paul after he scared me; we'd just gotten the landline installed and he rang up after he finished work, putting on a creepy Gollum voice. It really freaked me out and I may have cried a little bit, so I rang his mobile in hysterics to tell him about the creepy guy that'd just been on the phone. Bad Paulo! But these were totally unprompted, no scaring involved, and I made a cute little card later in the week which I slipped into his jacket pocket before he left for work the next morning. 

 It can be hard to keep a relationship fresh after nearly five years. You can both get a bit lazy, it's something Paul and I are both guilty of but we're both working to turn that around. We're working on having at least one night a week just for the two of us, sort of a date night. Simplicity is a good starting point too, a hug and a 'how was your day?' to a coffee and a cuddle and small acts that build towards bigger things and keep that bond strong.

 Now, going back to the flowers. Out of interest I thought I'd google "getting a guy flowers", just to see what the current status-quo consensus on it is. Two of the top results were 'What gifts for men are equivalent to flowers for women?' on Reddit and 'Help! What's The Man-Friendly Equivalent of Sending Flowers?' from Glamour.com, containing the quote "Of course you can send guys flowers, but I just feel like they don’t appreciate them the way the ladies do." and a link to a delightful sounding article titled "Want to Know What Blow Jobs and Flowers Have in Common?. To save your poor face from the palming it would get I've read the second article for you: apparently you're not allowed to ask for either. *pause here to make a cuppa and calm down/shout to your partner/housemate/pet about how stupid this is*. 

 Just NO! No on all of those fronts. The look on Paul's face when I gave him the flowers was one of gratitude. Other articles I've looked at seem to say that the only acceptable time to send a man flowers is as a Get Well Soon or other non-romantic gesture, why?? They look nice, they smell nice, they really brighten up a room and draw the eye away from any clutter lying around. If a guy likes flowers why not send them? There's nothing 'feminine' about things that look or smell nice, and even if there was then what's wrong with feminine things!? It doesn't make them weak or soppy, in my eyes if you dismiss and dislike something on the grounds that it's feminine then you really don't have much respect for women.

 And as for asking I don't see what's wrong with that either, I asked Paul if he'd maybe get me flowers sometime and he asked the same from me - reciprocation is necessary in relationships! How else will you know what your partner likes?

 And yes, please apply the above advice to blow jobs too.


UPDATE:

 Just thought I'd include this as proof that I'm not putting words in Paul's mouth ;)

 And I'm very angry at this God bloke at the minute too, he really needs to work on his aim. He can't keep going after every 69 year old until he gets Trump. He better stay the hell away from Tim Curry! RIP Alan Rickman <3