The Bitch is Back!!

Guess who's back bitches!?

Yes it's been a while, and you may have noticed a name change - bit of a does what it says on the tin sort of thing ;)

Mental health has been kicking my arse lately so I'm doing my best to kick back. Currently in a field in Derby watching Rammstein so I'm a pretty happy bunny (and drunk off my arse). More to follow, big loves!! <3

Look What My Clever Friend Made!! Facebook Chats With Women (with sneak preview)

Morning all! (Well, it was morning when I started writing this post.) Thank you so much for the feedback on Facebook to yesterday's post, it was really interesting and refreshing to hear all of the mixed opinions and thoughts from men/masculine identified folk on how they'd feel about getting flowers. Overwhelmingly a lot would love to, though some would prefer potted plants or food (I can't help but agree on the food front); I'll be doing a more detailed follow up post to it next week but this morning I thought I would give a special shout-out to my amazing, amazing bridesmaid Clara.

 I met Clara back in 2011 when I was speaking at a meeting for Newcastle Uni's Feminist Society, their first meeting of the semester. I'd organised the first Newcastle SlutWalk in June of that year (many thanks to Clara Shield of Little Big Butterfly for the video, one of my early feminist mentors!) and being only 16 at the time of organising the march and 17 when speaking at the meeting, I'm not ashamed to admit that I was a little intimidated - not by the people but the situation. Being so young I felt a bit insecure about my views and didn't feel as 'qualified' to speak about feminism as women who were older than me. I know now that I had no reason to be nervous or insecure but when you spend your childhood always second-guessing yourself and, as a woman, socialised to not feel so assertive about your opinions then it becomes a natural thing to do. Needless to say they were wonderful and welcoming, I met so many fantastic people through the FemSoc but Clara especially.

This lovely lady right here <3

 I stammered and stuttered my way through what I had to say (again, a hangup from childhood) and listened intently to the discussion that followed. At the end of the meeting the young woman sitting next to me, with curly hair and a lovely smile tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I knew somebody from her course - it turned out I did! I'd went on the student walk-outs the previous year with him; we got to chatting and after that frequently ran into each other at meetings and other feminist events, bonding over left-wing politics, DIY feminism and our love of riot grrrl. I think the solidifying moment of our friendship was walking back to Heaton from the Star and Shadow cinema on the day of the infamous MonToon, laughing hysterically despite the rotten weather, with soggy socks and shoes that had been dried out because of the walk there on top of the cinema projector. Fast forward a few years of coffee, wine, more laughter and self-care and Clara landed her dream job working for a publishing company in London. I was thrilled for her but utterly grief-stricken that she was leaving Newcastle. Despite the distance our friendship is as strong as ever and I always look forward to our phone calls and visits.

"Of course we can smash the patriarchy with lipstick, what else would we do with it?"

 This morning Clara surprised myself and our friends Nina and Martine with a sneak preview of a Zine she's been working on to present at...(wait for it)...WEIRDO ZINE FEST! For those of you in London or are able to travel there for the event the details can be found here. It's the first solo project she's finished and sent to print and I was completely blown away by it. An 11 page laugh-riot 'Facebook Chats with Women' looks at the self-deprecation we do as women, doubting what we say and feeling guilty for saying it, exploring the issue in a fantastically funny way and encouraging the validation we give to each other, as well as nudging us to validate our own feelings more often in a funny, friendly and relatable way. All of the quotes are taken from chats with friends and looks at the wonderful things women say to build each other and ourselves up, with a little dash of existential crisis sprinkled in!

 And now for a sneak preview...

Not only is she an awesome human being but she's an incredible artist too.

 So if you're in London on January 31st GET YOURSELF TO WEIRDO ZINE FEST and pick up a copy of Facebook Chats With Women. I can tell you now that you'll have nothing better to do that day.   

 And if you can't wait until then for more of Clara's wonderful witticisms then follow this lovely gem on Twitter @claraheathcock

A Belated Happy 2016...and smashin' those Gender Norms (TL,DR: getting a bloke flowers)

 Happy New Year dear readers! We're only what, two weeks into it so this is quite good timing for me. I've been trying my best to keep busy around the house so for once it's in a fantastic state, I'm rather proud of myself. Depressions and anxiety can really get in the way of keeping your living space tidy, you don't want to get out of bed let alone do anything productive yet at the same time you panic about getting everything done, what people will think of the state of your home, how miserable it's making you being in such an untidy environment...it's a vicious cycle. But since New Year I've felt fantastic, staying on an up-spell for a whole fortnight does come with the panic of "when will I be back to being miserable? oh dear, oh dear", but I'm doing my best not to think that way and just enjoy the positivity. It's the happiest I've felt in about six months.

Clear house, clear head!

 Now, down to business...

 My relationship seems to be the best it's been for a while too, probably to do with me feeling better about myself; I love Paul unbelievably but I'm sure many of you with similar conditions also find it hard to appreciate your partner when you feel awful about yourself, and generally feeling not much fun to be around. So since I've been feeling better about myself I've started putting more work into my relationship. It got me thinking too: What little romantic gestures would really make me smile? Then it hit me.

 I've only gotten flowers twice in my life, once from my Dad and once from Paul after he scared me; we'd just gotten the landline installed and he rang up after he finished work, putting on a creepy Gollum voice. It really freaked me out and I may have cried a little bit, so I rang his mobile in hysterics to tell him about the creepy guy that'd just been on the phone. Bad Paulo! But these were totally unprompted, no scaring involved, and I made a cute little card later in the week which I slipped into his jacket pocket before he left for work the next morning. 

 It can be hard to keep a relationship fresh after nearly five years. You can both get a bit lazy, it's something Paul and I are both guilty of but we're both working to turn that around. We're working on having at least one night a week just for the two of us, sort of a date night. Simplicity is a good starting point too, a hug and a 'how was your day?' to a coffee and a cuddle and small acts that build towards bigger things and keep that bond strong.

 Now, going back to the flowers. Out of interest I thought I'd google "getting a guy flowers", just to see what the current status-quo consensus on it is. Two of the top results were 'What gifts for men are equivalent to flowers for women?' on Reddit and 'Help! What's The Man-Friendly Equivalent of Sending Flowers?' from Glamour.com, containing the quote "Of course you can send guys flowers, but I just feel like they don’t appreciate them the way the ladies do." and a link to a delightful sounding article titled "Want to Know What Blow Jobs and Flowers Have in Common?. To save your poor face from the palming it would get I've read the second article for you: apparently you're not allowed to ask for either. *pause here to make a cuppa and calm down/shout to your partner/housemate/pet about how stupid this is*. 

 Just NO! No on all of those fronts. The look on Paul's face when I gave him the flowers was one of gratitude. Other articles I've looked at seem to say that the only acceptable time to send a man flowers is as a Get Well Soon or other non-romantic gesture, why?? They look nice, they smell nice, they really brighten up a room and draw the eye away from any clutter lying around. If a guy likes flowers why not send them? There's nothing 'feminine' about things that look or smell nice, and even if there was then what's wrong with feminine things!? It doesn't make them weak or soppy, in my eyes if you dismiss and dislike something on the grounds that it's feminine then you really don't have much respect for women.

 And as for asking I don't see what's wrong with that either, I asked Paul if he'd maybe get me flowers sometime and he asked the same from me - reciprocation is necessary in relationships! How else will you know what your partner likes?

 And yes, please apply the above advice to blow jobs too.


UPDATE:

 Just thought I'd include this as proof that I'm not putting words in Paul's mouth ;)

 And I'm very angry at this God bloke at the minute too, he really needs to work on his aim. He can't keep going after every 69 year old until he gets Trump. He better stay the hell away from Tim Curry! RIP Alan Rickman <3

One Hell of a Hiatus!

 Greetings lovely people! 

 As the title of this post suggests the past...bugger, almost year has been one hell of a hiatus. Now where to start...

Seizures

 Success! After many tests, trial and errors and tears I finally have a diagnosis. I turns out that I'm not epileptic but instead I suffer from Non-Epileptic Seizure Disorder (NES). It seems a bit strange that the condition doesn't have it's own name, the term NES referring to what it isn't rather than what it is but the subset I suffer from is specifically Psychogenic NES - Dissociative seizures. In simple terms it is seizures brought on because of extreme emotional/mental distress, in my case getting so stressed/anxious/lost/wound-up that my brain would overheat and shut down. Not fun.

 Luckily with having a diagnosis it's made it easier to treat. Then again it happened the other way around for me, having gone to my GP about depression/anxiety in February, starting on medication in April and not getting a definitive diagnosis until September. My GP did advise that I contact my neurologist about and when I saw him for my last appointment he was absolutely wonderful, very reassuring and stressed that NES is a legitimate condition and not something that I'm making up or something utterly unknown that's wrong with me. 

BPD

 As a result of further therapy and other related...everything I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Again, it's not fun but it's nice having a diagnosis. I'm still waiting on (surprise surprise) more therapy. It definitely explains a lot anyway; my mental health has been constant extremes from one to another and I'm looking forward to achieving some state of normality. 

My low point was definitely last month. The doctors' surgery that I go to is split between two practices, I was already having a bad, bad day and, when going for a medication review, it turned out that I'd gone to the wrong practice. My Mam was due to pick me up from the one I'd went to after my appointment and I'd spend a nice day with her and my niece. Instead the receptionist informed me in a very, very rude way that I wouldn't make it to my appointment at the other practice in time and that I should pay closer attention; then threatening to place a note on my record there that I was unreliable to turn up to appointments. Because it's totally my fault that because of seizures I'm not allowed to drive, public transport is rubbish and the member of staff who made my appointment was rather ambiguous on which surgery it was (I've been going to just one of them since I was...born). 

 On hearing that news, my Mam taking me over to the other surgery and being told that the doctor I was seeing had already gone to a meeting it resulted in somewhat of a breakdown. It's the first time that my niece has ever seen me in that state and I really, really hope that it's the last. It's not something a three-year-old should have to see; luckily I'm on the waiting list for more specialised therapy so it shouldn't be happening again.

Wedding Planning...

 My Bridal Minions are awesome! I'm not using the term 'maids' because of having a mixed-gender team, plus it just seems like a rubbishy word. I'm well on track with dresses, close to getting a venue booked and decorations are well on track! :D one positive that's been ongoing. It might seem like a stress but I'm having fun with it, 18 months to go!

Stormageddon

 Stormageddon turned two this month, we had a little party for him - isn't he lovely!? Grumpy as ever, gorgeous as ever.

 Anyway, more exciting posts to come! Auf Wiedersehen for now <3

The Labour Party's Patronising-tastic Pink Bus: Politics for Grrrls

 Oooh! I'm so glad Labour have come up with a way to get us lady-types involved in politics. It's so difficult to understand all the big words they use like "continuing austerity" and "keeping tuition fees" but having something shiny and pink to help us decide how to vote. Why wouldn't we vote for something pink and shiny?? My fluffy little brain couldn't handle the thought of anything else.

And if you need any more convincing  ladies, look no further- they even have a kitchen table!! Now we don't have to leave our assigned place to engage in politics!

In other words: are you having a laugh Labour? Fuck off.

 Now, onto the serious part.

 We've all had a good laugh at Labour's  idea to try and engage women in politics (just think, somebody got paid actual money to come up with that idea) but as with ideas like Blair's Babes all it's done is open the party up to ridicule and in the age of social media it's much easier to get involved with that ridicule. Don't get me wrong, historically there's been a bias towards rich white men in politics but when you look at women MPs like Rachel Reeves saying people should only be able to claim jobseekers allowance for up to two years, in a time of few jobs and economic crisis, are they really reflecting our best interests? And those in parliament and council chambers claiming that they're feminists, throwing up their hands and saying "it's such a shame we have to do this" while making cuts to women's refuges and surestart centres - do they reflect our best interests?

 I was going through some things at my parent's the other day (not looking for my old GameBoy at all) I stumbled across my old Labour Party membership card. Before you judge me it was just after the general election before Labour elected their new leader, I took one look at the ballot paper and couldn't believe I'd paid a whole quid for it!! I was a member for three months before cancelling my subs and joining the Socialist Party a few months later. Sure,  we're a small party but I'd rather ally myself with a small organisation than participate in something I didn't agree with that had a chance at power - basically the opposite of the Lib Dems. At that point I'd been involved in a youth project for a new youth centre in the middle of Newcastle, a place where all the city's youth services would be based in one place and give young people a safe place to get together. After two years of hard work we were called into an emergency meeting with the new Labour council where he told us that the funding we had was being returned to Big Lottery. Reason being? They didn't tell us in the meeting but they were in the beginnings of cutting all of the youth services, even before parliament had set their budget. We felt powerless, voiceless and let down. 

 After that I'll never vote Labour, ever. That meeting demonstrated to me that they don't care about the voices and needs of young people. The first time I voted was in the police commissioner's election. I spoiled my ballot paper.

 We're standing in the general election as part of TUSC, the Trade Unionist and Socialist Coalition, the political child of Bob Crow, the RMT, FBU and other unions and left-wing parties, with Paul standing as the MP candidate for Newcastle East. 2015 is set to see the biggest left of Labour challenge for years, with TUSC standing over 100 parliamentary candidates. There have been plenty of arguments over TUSC splitting the left vote, taking votes away from Labour and the Green Party.

 But while it may still say 'socialist' on the back of Labour's membership cards (my old one anyway) they're anything but. And with the reputation of Brighton's Green controlled council making as many cuts as Labour, Lib Dem or Tory councils there's very little 'left' within it.

 While it can be hard being a woman in left-wing politics I'm glad I've gotten involved to  help make a change. And the women with the Socialist Party aren't just active on women's issues but in everything the party does and are encouraged to do so. The big difference I've found being involved in TUSC and the SP is that the members are in touch with the issues they campaign on, they're the ones affected by these cuts and see the impact of them day-to-day. Hell, I'm proud to be part of something that is engaging women without patronising them and working in their interests, no matter how small the party it's better to stand by our principles than sell out those you're supposed to represent.

A Happy (Extremely Belated) New Year!

 Well hello, hello! It has been some time. Between Christmas, New Year and getting back to uni January has been one hell of a month. I expect there'll have been a torrent of 'my new year's resolution' blog posts since the beginning of this month so I kind of feel like I've missed out on something there; still, even if it's not strictly new year anymore I just started back at uni last week (though have been in and out for students' union things) I feel like I'm gradually coming out of hibernation. 

 I'm not a fan of New Year's Resolutions, just because it's a new year by the calendar means people throw themselves into exhausting gym routines, detox diets (don't even get me started on that shit!) and the rest because, well, it's the done thing in January! They're often drastic and impractical changes that cause more stress than good. The only sure way to make changes that stick is through small adjustments one at a time over a long period of time. Putting such pressure on yourself to change in a short period of time isn't a sustainable solution and when you don't reach the goals you set yourself in the time you want to it can lead to a lot of resentment and beating yourself up - trust me, been there done that!

 I've stuck at the 'resolutions' quite well, though I wouldn't really call them that. The word itself sounds like a big grand gesture type thing, these are just little changes - managing my time better, cooking from scratch more and getting takeaway less (broken by 3am January 1st!), and trying to keep the flat tidy. I have been working my bum off on these starting with getting a diary, it's been lovely having everything in one place and with how bad my memory has been lately it's certainly been a big help. Cooking has been great for keeping me in a routine too, it's therapeutic working my way through making a meal considering long-term anxiety I've had around food, the process is very calming seeing exactly what I'm putting into my mouth and how it's all come together. As a feminist I've carried a lot of guilt around my feelings towards food, feeling it's something I should be over by now, I've got the coping mechanisms so why am I still struggling? and so on. And so many online resources from feminist publications just seem a bit too...softly-softly, unhelpful, not really offering practical help but more "yeah, this is an issue...". Meh. Luckily there's a wonderful group here in Newcastle  which offers a lot of support to women in my position.

 Keeping the flat tidy has been...easy, ish. I'm lying actually, I'm rubbish at it. But I'm making a start, little things like loading the dishwasher and doing the washing on a regular basis rather than when I can no longer see the bedroom floor. We're currently planning spending a Sunday taking EVERYTHING out of there into the living room and having a great big clean-and-chuck-out but haven't had a free day to do so yet. It's on the list though!

 Anyway... for the big news: we've got two years left of wedding planning! Last year was pretty much a write-off and nothing has been checked off the to-do list, it's pretty scary thinking how quick the time has gone since we've gotten engaged and the whole 'impending list of doom' there is to complete within the two years we've got left. But y'know, long engagement, the idea was to take it at a chill pace. The panic will undoubtedly kick in pretty soon and you'll be subjected to a wonderfully stressed post about all the worries, I certainly look forward to it!

 Til then, here is a picture of Stormageddon's lovely little bum:

The Death of Tugce Albayrak

 So it's been almost three months. And with good reason. The day after my last post my uncle died and I have to say it really broke me. He'd been ill for a few week and happened just as things seemed to be looking up for him. I'm still totally broken by it. I had considered afterwards just letting this run into obscurity, leave my blog and start fresh. But I saw this today and after months of recovering it brought a lot back up.

Image - Reuters, source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-30268653

 I saw the news tonight about the death of Tugce Albayrak.

 A woman in Germany was taken off of life support on her 23rd birthday, having sustained brain damage when intervening after hearing cries from two women being harassed in the toilets of a fast food restaurant. There are a lot of elements at fault here but not the actions of Tugce.

 Probably around a month after my last post I was assaulted under similar circumstances, I was on my way to meet somebody at the airport, a woman I had never met before staying with me for the North East Feminist Gathering weekend in October. It was getting late, I had very little phone battery and was by myself on the basis that I'd meet her there and we'd go back to mine together. I had my headphones in and noticed somebody get onto the Metro and sit near me. He tried to engage me in conversation but being wary of travelling alone I kept my head down and ignored him. After a while I saw him get up and move onto another woman but kept a close eye on him, as she was also travelling alone and seemed just as uncomfortable as I did. She also ignored him so he moved onto others, I kept a close eye, up until he sat down with a young woman who looked no older than 16. At that time I decided I needed to intervene, as he touched her face and her legs and she sat saying nothing, visibly terrified.

 There have been many occasions where I have been in the same position as this young woman and to say it is unpleasant is an understatement. Being surrounded be people who don't look up while your personal space and privacy is invaded and feeling totally isolated at the same time. So I got up and though I could be a diversion, even if I just cause a scene rather than making a profound point it will stop him from touching her. I told her not to touch her, who did he think he was? So, in all of his might, he threw a rolled-up newspaper at me. Very tough. I told him I wasn't scared of him. It was a lie, I was terrified. He got up and shoved me down, smirking and swaying while he stood over me and people just looked. 

 "Why aren't you scared of me? You should be scared of me."  

 It sounds very silly to me, still being scared of this, still getting the shakes every time I get on public transport. I came away with damaged tendons and a bit of fear, that's all; but with the size of this man and his behaviour I genuinely thought he could have killed me. That's what a culture of violence against women does to you. 

 My case is still ongoing but seeing this tonight really shook me. The police were really good to me, the Metro workers were too - after I was worried I'd be in trouble for pressing every emergency stop button on my way as I was chased up the carriage. I believe that when Tugce Albayrak intervened in the incident which she did she didn't think she was doing anything remarkable. Neither did I but I was told afterwards how brave I was by friends, by police, by support workers. I didn't feel brave. I felt scared, I felt silly and I felt like I as making a fuss. And seeing the news about a woman dying for doing something similar just makes me all the more scared. If we don't stand up for other women then who will? But if we're assaulted and killed for doing so then who will want to speak up with those threats hanging over them?

 Male privilege is injuring and killing women, the entitlement some men believe they have to women's bodies, space and attention. It wasn't standing up for women that killed Tugce Albayrak, it was male 'entitlement' and violence against women. It wasn't the act of intervention, it was the act of violence against women which killed Tugce. As a good friend of mine says, after the deaths of women in these circumstances people always say there are 'lessons to be learned', but it seems there is a vast library of these so-called lessons out there but nobody is learning from them.

 Tugce Albayrak may not have believed she was a hero but her actions were heroic. Rest in power, sister xx