International Day of the Girl: #FreedomForGirls

(To get the full cheesy effect of this post, please open this YouTube link in another tab)

 So I've been away for a bit, mental health playing up, other crap, blah blah and so on. Life gets in the way of my ramblings, sad as it is. But today is a happy day, a brilliant day in fact. It's a day to celebrate the young women of the future and making a better world for them. Now I know it's a little past midnight (sue me, I never claimed to be punctual) but the message is still the same: the reason I do the shit I do is for the future of today's girls.

 This is kind of a full-circle story. When I was little I was a rather socially awkward child. Big surprise, neurotic blogger who is open about mental health issues and crappy things from childhood - what a surprise! But sit down and shut up. I met Devon when I was in nursery school, so somewhere between being two and three. We didn't exactly hit it off, we each knew who the other was but I was more into playing pretend by myself. It wasn't until we got to primary school that we started playing together, more because the teachers were so fed up with us tormenting each other - stealing pencils, throwing rubbers at each other - that they forced us to play together. Twenty one years later and it's far from a being 'forced together' relationship but more of a 'I don't know what I'd do without you' one. Though I'd still happily play worm rescue with her. We grew up together sharing some of our best memories and our most traumatic ones, examaple being I remember her Mam taking us to the circus and on the way back seeing a car on fire, crashed into a fence and thinking 'shit...I don't know how I'd cope with this if I wasn't with her'. 

 New Years Eve 2002, it's hilarious to look back on now. My family were round at her's, I got my first taste of alcohol (fizzy peach Archers, I can't remember the exact name of the drink but it was very much diluted with lemonade), and a fun countdown to the new year, surrounded by friends and family. Then as soon as it hit midnight we let of party poppers, went outside to light fireworks, came back inside to watch the rest of the festivities on the telly... and soon as Basil Brush said 'boom boom!' the power goes out. The adults try to be rational while ridiculously drunk, we panic like all kids would because it's dark and scary. Adults think 'it's fine, we'll light some candles and they'll just think it's part of the new years fun'. As the clumsy-as-ever lass that I am, I knock one of the candles over and almost set fire to her Mam's settee. My brother gets scared and throws up all over the glitter from the party poppers (as pretty as you can imagine). Mothers go into Super Mam mode and sort us all out, get us to bed and calm us down, clean up and get settled. The next morning me and Devon are watching reruns of friends in her bed (she had a bunkbed, it was so cool!) and we hear shouting from downstairs. We go down to investigate and it turns out that, even though the power had went out, the telly switched on as soon as it came back - so my parents were woken up by another appearance from Basil Brush. It's one of my most enduring New Years memories and it makes me laugh just thinking about it.

 Being a chubby queer goth as a teenager, it wasn't exactly fun doing things like... going outside, talking to people, laughing at things. But this lady was my rock, to this day she still is. We both grew up with brothers so it was nice having somebody who was just like a sister but without all of the clothes stealing, hair pulling and fighting over who's turn it was to pick the TV channel. I still miss her mother every day, when I heard the news it hit me as hard as if it had been one of my own parents. Nevertheless, she persisted. She went on to get a top -level linguistics degree, while also raising her first daughter. This lady is a fucking Viking. She has supported me through breakups, my parents arguing, all sorts of family and relationship troubles and I wouldn't swap her for love nor money. Hell, if we were a person they would be old enough to drink in the US.

 In the past few years the feminist movement has made amazing progress. Yes, we're far from total equality, far from it. But for now I'm hopeful. We saw the SlutWalk movement beginning in 2011, the resurgence of student feminist groups, Nasty Women* in 2016 and now! The reason I'm so passionate about the feminist movement today isn't for the changes it can make for me. The way I see it, I'm happy to carry on fighting, shouting, marching, and screaming is to make sure that my nieces don't have to. Seeing them grow into a society where they don't have to worry about being told they're not pretty enough, they're pretty so they can't be clever, policing of their style of dress and relationships; I've been there and am still going through it, I just pray to Sylvia Pankhurst (or the atheist alternative of praying) every day that I'll make enough change in my lifetime so that they won't have to experience that shittiness. 

 Devon has two wonderful,, wonderful daughters and my brother and sister-out-law have one too. These three little girls are why I do what I do, so much because of what their mothers have done for me. So this is a slightly belated #WonderfulWomenWednesday and celebration of #InternationalDayOfTheGirl. This lady is one of the most amazing ones I know and has given birth to two more of them - how lucky am I!?

 *For those of you who have liking for Nasty Women, did you know that Newcastle will be playing host to the first ever international Nasty Women conference!! If you would like to attend and/or take part then please purchase tickets here, or for other questions please email us at northeastnastywomen@gmail.com. <3

A Belated Happy 2016...and smashin' those Gender Norms (TL,DR: getting a bloke flowers)

 Happy New Year dear readers! We're only what, two weeks into it so this is quite good timing for me. I've been trying my best to keep busy around the house so for once it's in a fantastic state, I'm rather proud of myself. Depressions and anxiety can really get in the way of keeping your living space tidy, you don't want to get out of bed let alone do anything productive yet at the same time you panic about getting everything done, what people will think of the state of your home, how miserable it's making you being in such an untidy environment...it's a vicious cycle. But since New Year I've felt fantastic, staying on an up-spell for a whole fortnight does come with the panic of "when will I be back to being miserable? oh dear, oh dear", but I'm doing my best not to think that way and just enjoy the positivity. It's the happiest I've felt in about six months.

Clear house, clear head!

 Now, down to business...

 My relationship seems to be the best it's been for a while too, probably to do with me feeling better about myself; I love Paul unbelievably but I'm sure many of you with similar conditions also find it hard to appreciate your partner when you feel awful about yourself, and generally feeling not much fun to be around. So since I've been feeling better about myself I've started putting more work into my relationship. It got me thinking too: What little romantic gestures would really make me smile? Then it hit me.

 I've only gotten flowers twice in my life, once from my Dad and once from Paul after he scared me; we'd just gotten the landline installed and he rang up after he finished work, putting on a creepy Gollum voice. It really freaked me out and I may have cried a little bit, so I rang his mobile in hysterics to tell him about the creepy guy that'd just been on the phone. Bad Paulo! But these were totally unprompted, no scaring involved, and I made a cute little card later in the week which I slipped into his jacket pocket before he left for work the next morning. 

 It can be hard to keep a relationship fresh after nearly five years. You can both get a bit lazy, it's something Paul and I are both guilty of but we're both working to turn that around. We're working on having at least one night a week just for the two of us, sort of a date night. Simplicity is a good starting point too, a hug and a 'how was your day?' to a coffee and a cuddle and small acts that build towards bigger things and keep that bond strong.

 Now, going back to the flowers. Out of interest I thought I'd google "getting a guy flowers", just to see what the current status-quo consensus on it is. Two of the top results were 'What gifts for men are equivalent to flowers for women?' on Reddit and 'Help! What's The Man-Friendly Equivalent of Sending Flowers?' from Glamour.com, containing the quote "Of course you can send guys flowers, but I just feel like they don’t appreciate them the way the ladies do." and a link to a delightful sounding article titled "Want to Know What Blow Jobs and Flowers Have in Common?. To save your poor face from the palming it would get I've read the second article for you: apparently you're not allowed to ask for either. *pause here to make a cuppa and calm down/shout to your partner/housemate/pet about how stupid this is*. 

 Just NO! No on all of those fronts. The look on Paul's face when I gave him the flowers was one of gratitude. Other articles I've looked at seem to say that the only acceptable time to send a man flowers is as a Get Well Soon or other non-romantic gesture, why?? They look nice, they smell nice, they really brighten up a room and draw the eye away from any clutter lying around. If a guy likes flowers why not send them? There's nothing 'feminine' about things that look or smell nice, and even if there was then what's wrong with feminine things!? It doesn't make them weak or soppy, in my eyes if you dismiss and dislike something on the grounds that it's feminine then you really don't have much respect for women.

 And as for asking I don't see what's wrong with that either, I asked Paul if he'd maybe get me flowers sometime and he asked the same from me - reciprocation is necessary in relationships! How else will you know what your partner likes?

 And yes, please apply the above advice to blow jobs too.


UPDATE:

 Just thought I'd include this as proof that I'm not putting words in Paul's mouth ;)

 And I'm very angry at this God bloke at the minute too, he really needs to work on his aim. He can't keep going after every 69 year old until he gets Trump. He better stay the hell away from Tim Curry! RIP Alan Rickman <3

The Importance of Self-Care: Theory and Practice

Afternoon all!

 Now it's been quite a while since my last post, it's seeming to be one thing after another lately. A mixture of tendinitis in my shoulder when trying to finish university work, preparing for a few short breaks, work, and now when that all seems to have settled down my health seems to have taken a rather bad turn. Over the past month I've been having (as of yet) unexplained seizures, mostly as it's been described to me afterwards as tonic-clonic seizures, and partial seizures in other cases. Having been back and forth to my GP and to the hospital in this time I'm having to wait until September for a referral to a neurologist; while I've made necessary adjustments to my own lifestyle in the meantime it's frustrating and honestly quite scary having to wait such a long time for a diagnosis and even then the guarantee that I'll get a diagnosis straight off. At first it seemed the most terrifying part of them was waking up, unable to speak and feeling weak all over, but now the worst seem to be those while I remain conscious but don't have control over my own body and motions. But as scared as I am I'm determined not to let it rule my life.

 In the past few years self-care has been very big on the feminist agenda it seems. Far from being a new concept it's great to see it making a comeback, but while it's often discussed as a wonderful notion it is one of those things that I know I'm not alone in finding very hard to apply to myself. I'm extremely guilty of, well, feeling guilty when caring for myself, I often feel as if I'm abusing the idea or using it as an excuse to be lazy. The right answer here should be 'even if I am, so fucking what??' but I tend to find myself panicking and the guilt piling up for doing so and even more for thinking in that way; I've found it to be a vicious cycle. Since I've been feeling the toll of these fits on my general health and well-being though I thought it was about time that I really made an effort with it.

 I feel as though it has had an impact on my relationship too. Paul has always had a very caring nature and for as long as we've been together he's really looked after me but because neither of us know what's causing it, when it will happen or what to do about it it's scary and very frustrating for us both. He's learning well how to cope with me though, going to doctors appointments with me, researching bits that he can and helping me with keeping a note of what happens during and after seizures. His workplace have been accommodating too,  letting him take the time off for the appointments or if we've spent the night at the hospital, and allowing him to keep his phone on hand to get in touch and see how I am through the day. One drawback though is that Paul says it makes him feel quite possessive doing this, especially when I was on a weekend away with friends and he just wanted to be sure I was okay; I've been doing my best reassuring him that I don't mind and I really understand both why he feels like that but also why he wants to be sure I'm okay. It can be horrible thing seeing someone you love ill in this this way and not knowing how to fix it - and unfortunately for us it seems to be me who does most of the being ill!

 I'm currently easing myself into a routine of self care and really hope to carry on with it even after I've gotten a diagnosis and hopefully something to control the symptoms, so here are a few tips that I would like to pass on as somebody who has struggled to get into it, I know I'm not the only one!

• Don't feel like a burden - you most certainly aren't!

 This is something I really had trouble with, possibly fall-out from past mental health issues, but to begin with I found it hard to accept help and allow myself to be looked after by Paul and other friends and family. I hated the fact that there were things I had to rely on others for, like making sure I'm safe during a seizure and caring for me afterwards; I suppose I felt guilty more than anything else that people around me were on edge because of it. What finally convinced me to change this thinking was the wonderful women I went with to Horton Women's Centre and those that I met there too. Being in such a safe, supportive environment with people I was so close to got me to thinking that they have no obligation to look after me but do it because they care for me and about my well-being. I've always verbalised my concerns and still tend to apologise after seizures but even with that compromise it's had a very positive impact on my own dealing with them as it takes at least one element away from my anxiety around them by not worrying so much.

• Know and respect your limitations

 Another big hurdle with my past experience of self care, not knowing or just flat out ignoring my limits. I often convinced myself that I was able to do more than I was doing and I could always do "just that little bit more" than I was and I'd be fine; not just physically but mentally too. When I had tendinitis I would still go into work with my arm in a sling, serving food on day shifts, cleaning the top shelves, serving as quickly as I could on busy Friday nights. At the time I thought I could give Wonder Woman a run for her money but looking back it really slowed down my recovery time. This time round it's taken getting injured at work during a fit to stop me, after the incident Head Office requested a note from my GP to say whether or not they thought I would be safe to continue working; when I went my GP said she didn't feel she was able to guarantee this, which I took as a bit of a blow because I really do enjoy my job and now I'm having to take sick leave. To their credit though, when it first began they were very supportive and accommodating of me, making sure that I wouldn't be working alone and would be only doing duties they felt I would be safe doing. Sadly in the end with the environment I work in it just wasn't safe for me, bars can be dangerous places, but I really did appreciate the lengths they went to to support me and eventually the message it sent me about having to accept that it was in my best interest.

• Treat yourself and eat well

 Treating yourself can take on many forms and I find it's a very important part of looking after yourself, whether it's a nice glass of wine, taking a long bath, having a weekend away, a small indulgence when you feel you need one can do you the world of good. However in the past I've had a lot of issues with my weight and body image and I've found I tend to get really, really hungry after seizures, craving carby, sugary foods. At first I'd be reaching for crisps or chocolate and it was very helpful, having that little indulgence to make me feel better after a fright. Now that I've adjusted a little more to the situation it has become easier to plan around this, get in foods that I know will do me best, giving me the energy boost that I need rather than just something to fill the void. However I have been determined to treat myself at least once a day, something "bad" for me (often a nice glass of wine!) so that I'm staying as healthy as I can but still allowing myself that bit of enjoyment.

 Another thing I've found very useful around food is to prepare meals in advance. As it gets later in the day I tend to feel worse so I'm trying to get into the habit of cooking when I feel up to it, or even daring enough to make a trip to the shops, and pop it in the fridge/freezer for I want it through the week. It's a good way to ensure that when you're at a low point then you'll be eating food that's good for you rather than reaching for whatever is easiest, but at the same time there's absolutely nothing wrong with the easy option if that is the type of food you get the best feeling from. Paul and I always have the deal that if I cook then he does the washing up, it's a system that works for us but lately it's not working as well; luckily he's very handy in the kitchen, not just at the sink, and has been cooking for us when I don't feel up to it. I try and do the same through the day and keep on top of the dishes, just to return the favour, but it always reminds me why we struck up that deal in the first place - I bloody hate doing dishes!!

Well looked-after!

• Keep yourself busy

Unfortunately the post-fit cravings have led to me putting on a little weight, along with the exercise I'm used to doing no longer being safe (if I can't have a bath by myself because of them then swimming is definitely out of the question). So I've been looking for other types of gentle exercise that I can do at home, finding something that works for me that I can enjoy safely. It can be quite stressful and at the minute I'm finding it hard just keeping busy. Daytime television can be easy entertainment as a one-off but after a few days it really starts getting to you. It's the best time of any to start reading all those books you haven't got round to, do those craft projects you got all the supplies for but haven't found the time for, take a walk, explore bits of your town you've never been to before. Finding a routine can be useful if you're that sort of person, I'm struggling to find one at the moment but I'm sure I'll get there.

 With Paul working, me being off on the sick and being off uni at the moment I'm finding it difficult even to keep busy. But it's giving me a bit of time now to get ahead on wedding planning, and if it's done now then it'll be one less stress later on! Doing it in my free time now gives me time to have all the details thought out, but I can guarantee that many future posts on wedding planning will include the phrase "If it's not done now then it will never get done!"


 While this is no means a definitive list and may not work for everybody it's what I'm finding the most useful at the moment. You may well see some updates to this list but for now I'm off to play Pokémon for a bit, my DS and I have become reacquainted over the past few weeks.

 Until next time xx