Busy Day Tomorrow... Radio et al.

 Evening all, it's a late one tonight. I have a very good excuse for my recent inactivity:

 The worst has happened, after six years of loyal service my laptop has finally given up. Well, the screen has fallen off and it's a pain in the arse to use; I have to hold it up with one hand and type with the other. I can't decide whether it's more or less of a pain in the arse posting from my phone - so far I'm going to go with more, it's shit!

 Anyway I'm going to keep this post quite short, I've got my neurology appointment tomorrow afternoon. FINALLY!! It's been such a long wait, being ill for months on end without having a clue what's doing it is pretty scary. My appointment isn't going to be a magic cure but hopefully it'll be the beginning of the end, fingers crossed.

 Busier still, I've got an interview on BBC radio Five Live Breakfast tomorrow morning!! Ten past seven IN THE MORNING though!! (Y'know, as breakfast suggests) it'll be a miracle if I don't end up at the studio still in my pajamas. The interview is to coincide with the beginning of university for some tomorrow on Lad Culture and my experiences of sexism on campus. I had to waive my anonymity because of one of the incidents I'll be talking about, for those of you who won't be awake to catch it I'll post the link to it tomorrow. It's an issue I'm really passionate about addressing in my role as Women's Rep this year so any ideas and feedback from you lovely readers would be wonderful :)

 I'm trying to get an early night tonight but just wanted to say a big thanks to those of you who've sent me lovely supportive messages via Facebook and Twitter in response to my last few posts. I've been feeling really isolated lately and it's just wonderful to get such nice messages, it's helped me to feel less disconnected and out of the loop. I'll be posting again tomorrow to let you all know how the interview and the appointment go, lots of love!!

Update: I've just had a call from the BBC and they've pushed my interview back to its original time of ten past eight, so I've got another hour in bed! ;)

I've lost my leggings virginity! And other tidbits

 Welcome back readers, apologies once again for another long break. As I explained in my last post I've been very poorly lately and often have very little energy left for this, which is very very sad. But I've got some rather interesting entries in the works for you all so they are to be looked forward to! This is more just a catching up, getting me back into writing post for now. 

 Less than three weeks to go until my neurology appointment now, it certainly cant come quick enough! I'm still having an awful time with these seizures, as an adult woman it's rather embarrassing having to explain to friends and family that the bruise on your arm or the black eye is from injuring yourself during one. There have been good things in the past month though, The People's March for the NHS set off eleven days ago now and they're on track to reach London for September 6th so if you're in the area when they're passing through your town or city be sure to show your support for them. It's a wonderful cause which originated as an idea from a group of mums in Darlington, the Darlo Mums, to re-enact the Jarrow March in order to raise awareness of the cuts and privatisation happening to the NHS. I was very happy to be invited to speak on the platform at the rally before the march set off, it was very humbling to see so many turn up to see off the marchers. I was up there speaking as a descendent of one of the original marchers and seeing that the legacy of it is still so vibrant is very touching.

Look how big!!

 

 Well done to all those marching, very good cause, please give them your support. Why not join in if you can? Paul and myself did the first leg of it to Chester-le-Street, it was really nice seeing so many people in high spirits out in support of our health service. And believe me it's gruelling committing to something like this, I did about two weeks in total of the Youth Fight For Jobs march back in 2011 and a few weekends, not all in one go but I feel that it was easier doing the week in one go than the weekends as you got into the routine of it a bit more, there was more good nights of sleep (apart from those where your comrades snored - no names!) rather than marching ten miles in a day after sleeping on a coach/train - then having the same bad sleep in preparation for the week ahead of you. But don't let it put you off!!  

 The picture to the left is ...I don't actually know what it is but I picked it up somewhere on the way to Birtley, and by picked up I mean found in the sole of my shoe! Yikes, very glad I wore my walking shoes that day.

 In other news - VICTORY!! There were over 70,000 signatures on the petition to get the mother's name on the marriage certificate and the current outdated certificate we have at the minute is set to be given the heave-ho. Even though David Cameron has 'pledged' to resolve this I still couldn't trust the man as far as I could throw him but now that the public pressure is clearly there we're much closer to this becoming reality.

*Side ramble: when I went to google this I got a little side-tracked after typing in 'mother', my browser seems to know my interests now and came up with 'mother of the bride dresses'. I had a little poke about by something I couldn't get over? None of the women modelling dresses marketed specifically in a category 'mother of the bride' looked old enough to have a daughter of marrying age, how irksome! 

 What else what else? Hmmm... this may seem a bit filler-ish but it really isn't actually (don't you 'yeah, yeah' me). The other week I had a very horrible incident involving my smoke alarms. We have a rather old heating system with a water heater instead of a boiler, so if you want to have a bath and do the dishes at the same time then tough, the dishes will just have to wait. Though there is a way round this with the emergency switch, y'know, for emergencies like if the dishes just can't wait. Anyway after Paul had a bath that morning the switch was left on accidentally and the water heater started steaming. The same happened the day we moved into our flat, almost a year ago now, and it set the smoke alarms off. It caused a lot of bother a) because of the ceilngs being so high are impossible to reach and b) even when you find something to stand on to reach them they don't have a working hush switch. Because the property is rented they're wired into the mains to prevent tenants taking the batteries out when they burn their toast, forgetting to replace them and burning the house down. Ours have never gone off when we've burned food though, it only goes off for the water heater so there was clearly something wrong with it. Last time it only lasted half an hour or so (I say only...) which should have flagged up that there was something wrong but this time it went on for Three. Straight. Hours.

A not so happy Stormy having a bath

It was bloody awful, I was ill enough as it was that day but three hours of non-stop noise was unbearable. I had to text Paul at work, he rang me back and I couldn't talk for crying (this was after about an hour), so he ended up ringing my mam and she came from work to wait with me while the landlord sent somebody round to sort it out. Most of all I was worried about Stormageddon. He's my little baby and I was so worried about the noise scaring him and the scare making him poorly, so my hero of a mam got him out of his viv (I was too worked up to), into his carry box and into her car to sit for a bit. And the little git had slept right through it, lucky thing! He wasn't happy about being disturbed  but I felt better for it. So mam could get back to work I took him round to my friends', Clara and Nina's. It was lovely of them to take him in as they were doing a big clean up ready to move out, I'm really grateful to have such lovely women in my life.  

 Which brings me to today. I had an exam this morning which was absolutely awful (don't ask) and left me in a buy/eat everything in sight mood. I had tried so hard to prepare for it, even having a bath the night before to get a decent sleep that night. However it took a turn for the worst during that when I had a seizure in the bath. It's been frustrating not being able to have them unsupervised but I definitely get why now. Paul didn't realise what was happening at first, he just thought I was rinsing my hair but when the splashing started he got me out straight away. It was pretty traumatic, I'd taken in a fair bit of water and felt awful the rest of the night, in fact I still feel like I've got some up my nose. Still, after years of avoiding the trend I gave in and bought my first ever pair of leggings in my strop today. I'm pretty pleased with them (although I may not look it!) my main reason being I have some lovely dresses from Moonmaiden Gothic, that I want to be able to wear over the winter but would be a bit too chilly with just tights. They're all handmade by Sarah and Michael Eddy, a wonderful couple based in Cornwall; for such great quality clothing they're very reasonably priced too.

 Anyway, I hope to get my new posts up before I go back to uni. Until then - happy feministing!

The Importance of Self-Care: Theory and Practice

Afternoon all!

 Now it's been quite a while since my last post, it's seeming to be one thing after another lately. A mixture of tendinitis in my shoulder when trying to finish university work, preparing for a few short breaks, work, and now when that all seems to have settled down my health seems to have taken a rather bad turn. Over the past month I've been having (as of yet) unexplained seizures, mostly as it's been described to me afterwards as tonic-clonic seizures, and partial seizures in other cases. Having been back and forth to my GP and to the hospital in this time I'm having to wait until September for a referral to a neurologist; while I've made necessary adjustments to my own lifestyle in the meantime it's frustrating and honestly quite scary having to wait such a long time for a diagnosis and even then the guarantee that I'll get a diagnosis straight off. At first it seemed the most terrifying part of them was waking up, unable to speak and feeling weak all over, but now the worst seem to be those while I remain conscious but don't have control over my own body and motions. But as scared as I am I'm determined not to let it rule my life.

 In the past few years self-care has been very big on the feminist agenda it seems. Far from being a new concept it's great to see it making a comeback, but while it's often discussed as a wonderful notion it is one of those things that I know I'm not alone in finding very hard to apply to myself. I'm extremely guilty of, well, feeling guilty when caring for myself, I often feel as if I'm abusing the idea or using it as an excuse to be lazy. The right answer here should be 'even if I am, so fucking what??' but I tend to find myself panicking and the guilt piling up for doing so and even more for thinking in that way; I've found it to be a vicious cycle. Since I've been feeling the toll of these fits on my general health and well-being though I thought it was about time that I really made an effort with it.

 I feel as though it has had an impact on my relationship too. Paul has always had a very caring nature and for as long as we've been together he's really looked after me but because neither of us know what's causing it, when it will happen or what to do about it it's scary and very frustrating for us both. He's learning well how to cope with me though, going to doctors appointments with me, researching bits that he can and helping me with keeping a note of what happens during and after seizures. His workplace have been accommodating too,  letting him take the time off for the appointments or if we've spent the night at the hospital, and allowing him to keep his phone on hand to get in touch and see how I am through the day. One drawback though is that Paul says it makes him feel quite possessive doing this, especially when I was on a weekend away with friends and he just wanted to be sure I was okay; I've been doing my best reassuring him that I don't mind and I really understand both why he feels like that but also why he wants to be sure I'm okay. It can be horrible thing seeing someone you love ill in this this way and not knowing how to fix it - and unfortunately for us it seems to be me who does most of the being ill!

 I'm currently easing myself into a routine of self care and really hope to carry on with it even after I've gotten a diagnosis and hopefully something to control the symptoms, so here are a few tips that I would like to pass on as somebody who has struggled to get into it, I know I'm not the only one!

• Don't feel like a burden - you most certainly aren't!

 This is something I really had trouble with, possibly fall-out from past mental health issues, but to begin with I found it hard to accept help and allow myself to be looked after by Paul and other friends and family. I hated the fact that there were things I had to rely on others for, like making sure I'm safe during a seizure and caring for me afterwards; I suppose I felt guilty more than anything else that people around me were on edge because of it. What finally convinced me to change this thinking was the wonderful women I went with to Horton Women's Centre and those that I met there too. Being in such a safe, supportive environment with people I was so close to got me to thinking that they have no obligation to look after me but do it because they care for me and about my well-being. I've always verbalised my concerns and still tend to apologise after seizures but even with that compromise it's had a very positive impact on my own dealing with them as it takes at least one element away from my anxiety around them by not worrying so much.

• Know and respect your limitations

 Another big hurdle with my past experience of self care, not knowing or just flat out ignoring my limits. I often convinced myself that I was able to do more than I was doing and I could always do "just that little bit more" than I was and I'd be fine; not just physically but mentally too. When I had tendinitis I would still go into work with my arm in a sling, serving food on day shifts, cleaning the top shelves, serving as quickly as I could on busy Friday nights. At the time I thought I could give Wonder Woman a run for her money but looking back it really slowed down my recovery time. This time round it's taken getting injured at work during a fit to stop me, after the incident Head Office requested a note from my GP to say whether or not they thought I would be safe to continue working; when I went my GP said she didn't feel she was able to guarantee this, which I took as a bit of a blow because I really do enjoy my job and now I'm having to take sick leave. To their credit though, when it first began they were very supportive and accommodating of me, making sure that I wouldn't be working alone and would be only doing duties they felt I would be safe doing. Sadly in the end with the environment I work in it just wasn't safe for me, bars can be dangerous places, but I really did appreciate the lengths they went to to support me and eventually the message it sent me about having to accept that it was in my best interest.

• Treat yourself and eat well

 Treating yourself can take on many forms and I find it's a very important part of looking after yourself, whether it's a nice glass of wine, taking a long bath, having a weekend away, a small indulgence when you feel you need one can do you the world of good. However in the past I've had a lot of issues with my weight and body image and I've found I tend to get really, really hungry after seizures, craving carby, sugary foods. At first I'd be reaching for crisps or chocolate and it was very helpful, having that little indulgence to make me feel better after a fright. Now that I've adjusted a little more to the situation it has become easier to plan around this, get in foods that I know will do me best, giving me the energy boost that I need rather than just something to fill the void. However I have been determined to treat myself at least once a day, something "bad" for me (often a nice glass of wine!) so that I'm staying as healthy as I can but still allowing myself that bit of enjoyment.

 Another thing I've found very useful around food is to prepare meals in advance. As it gets later in the day I tend to feel worse so I'm trying to get into the habit of cooking when I feel up to it, or even daring enough to make a trip to the shops, and pop it in the fridge/freezer for I want it through the week. It's a good way to ensure that when you're at a low point then you'll be eating food that's good for you rather than reaching for whatever is easiest, but at the same time there's absolutely nothing wrong with the easy option if that is the type of food you get the best feeling from. Paul and I always have the deal that if I cook then he does the washing up, it's a system that works for us but lately it's not working as well; luckily he's very handy in the kitchen, not just at the sink, and has been cooking for us when I don't feel up to it. I try and do the same through the day and keep on top of the dishes, just to return the favour, but it always reminds me why we struck up that deal in the first place - I bloody hate doing dishes!!

Well looked-after!

• Keep yourself busy

Unfortunately the post-fit cravings have led to me putting on a little weight, along with the exercise I'm used to doing no longer being safe (if I can't have a bath by myself because of them then swimming is definitely out of the question). So I've been looking for other types of gentle exercise that I can do at home, finding something that works for me that I can enjoy safely. It can be quite stressful and at the minute I'm finding it hard just keeping busy. Daytime television can be easy entertainment as a one-off but after a few days it really starts getting to you. It's the best time of any to start reading all those books you haven't got round to, do those craft projects you got all the supplies for but haven't found the time for, take a walk, explore bits of your town you've never been to before. Finding a routine can be useful if you're that sort of person, I'm struggling to find one at the moment but I'm sure I'll get there.

 With Paul working, me being off on the sick and being off uni at the moment I'm finding it difficult even to keep busy. But it's giving me a bit of time now to get ahead on wedding planning, and if it's done now then it'll be one less stress later on! Doing it in my free time now gives me time to have all the details thought out, but I can guarantee that many future posts on wedding planning will include the phrase "If it's not done now then it will never get done!"


 While this is no means a definitive list and may not work for everybody it's what I'm finding the most useful at the moment. You may well see some updates to this list but for now I'm off to play Pokémon for a bit, my DS and I have become reacquainted over the past few weeks.

 Until next time xx