Bitch in the Kitch: Cooking Therapy and Self-Love

 Welcome back! After another (though slightly shorter than last time) hiatus I'm back to the bloggersphere, I did warn you folks! As has been mentioned in previous posts my mental health hasn't been great but it's certainly on the up at the minute. It's a bit like a seesaw, normally with the kid on one end having rocks in their pockets. At the minute though I think both kids have stopped and are just chilling, chatting and eating cake on there - with the odd wobble up or down. Anyway, glad to be back.

 Some of you probably already know that I'm quite a big foodie, I love everything from cooking it to eating it. And this might come as quite a surprise, but it's actually a common thing for those of us with/in recovery from eating disorders/distress to enjoy making food for various reasons; be it feeling we have control over food, control over our bodies through that, and/or loving ourselves and nourishing ourselves in the recovery process. I find that there's something therapeutic about following a recipe and making something delicious. I love the structure of recipes, almost in a way of being given instructions, otherwise I can get a bit panicky and edgy; recovery is a long (again) seesaw-y process and I'm still at the stage of needing to know EXACTLY how much and of what I'm putting into food. The kitchen has always felt like a safe haven for me. It's where I first learned the joy of making things with my hands, making play doh with my Mam, and baking and cooking as a child, the feeling of eaten something I'd created (yes, I may have had a few nibbles on the play doh...). It's where I'd first drink with my friend and her Mam in their kitchen, enjoying Saturday nights as a teenager giggling over wine and discussing the world ahead of us. It's where I feel I do my best for my partner; I may have my shortcomings but I'll always say I'm a damn good cook and being able to feed people I love brings me a lot of happiness, leaving me feeling whole and refreshed.

 While looking for something yummy to cook for myself and Paulobear I found myself on Cooking On A Bootstrap, the website of the incredible Mx. Jack Monroe featuring delicious recipes interspersed with political and social justice activism, I'm such a huge fan of them!!  Their writing is so poetic and relatable, and at the same time so accessible and non-threatening. Admission time: I've grown up always being told what a clever girl I am, yet at the same time I feel like a total, total fraud because I struggle with a lot of words; not the spellings or pronunciations of them but the meanings. I often end up feeling embarrassed in conversations when unknown words come up, so I'll either keep my head down and keep quiet, or feel like a muppet and ask what it means while thinking they must think I'm ridiculous. Or secret option number three: slyly Google a word, worry I look ignorant for looking at my phone instead of paying attention, then continue to berate and shame myself for not knowing the word. Getting back to the topic at hand though!

 I came across a delicious looking recipe today that I will be making for tea tonight, and not only do I have all the ingredients to hand (including fresh kale from my Grandma and Granddad's garden!!) it was so beautifully written that I just had to share it with you folks. Very aptly titled Self-Love Stew one part particularly stood out to me:

"The stirring is key. It is soothing. It is mindless, not mindful. Sod mindful. My mind is full enough. It is a minefield. Tonight I want to stir some stuff and stare at my hands or into nothing."

 It isn't written as a traditional recipe but it's more or less a much better alternative (for me personally, and most likely others of you out there) to guided meditation. I'm so fed up with being told I need to be more mindful, I find the whole concept difficult to grasp and apply to myself, so such advice on mindfulness and exercises to become 'mindful' etc stress me beyond what I already had been. It creates a feeling that I'm failing at mental health recovery, that I'm even rubbish at trying to get better. 

 Looking at cooking and eating as a way of showing care to myself and others has also been an incredibly helpful tool in my mental health and more specifically eating distress recovery, rather than food being a way to control and punish myself. And while I now and then get the odd stupid comment along the lines of "hahaha, you're a rubbish feminist! Being in a kitchen and looking after a man hahaha *tips fedora*" I find it to be the exact opposite. Using it as a tool to look after myself and making myself a better person to be around, I've never felt like a better feminist.

 A huge thank you to Jack Monroe for their wonderful recipe and their general being wonderful-ness, you are an incredible human being!!

 Much love, this Bitch is off to the Kitch! xx

Tutorial: Don't get mad, get creative!

Hello readers!

 I had my engagement party on Saturday and despite all the stress that came with it it was a fantastic night. One thing I was fixated on however was how I looked on the night. A bit shallow, yes, but I felt that I'd spent so much time wanting it to be a good night for my guests that I forgot to spend time on how I'd feel.

 I had a fantastic dress from Vivien of Holloway and it made me feel just wonderful (once my Grandma altered it a little, it was a bit too big in the chest!). However when it came to shoes it was something I'd left to the last minute. The ones I ordered weren't going to arrive in time and it upset me more than it should have, but with how stressed I was I could kind of justify it. Anyway, I thought rather than stewing I'd channel my energy into something a bit more creative and take matters into my own hands. Customising shoes is much easier than I thought it would be, so here's a short guide on how you can make your own patriarchy-kicking, wonderful shoes:

You will need:

• An old pair of shoes, either some you already own or a pair from a charity shop
• Spray paint - any colour you like, I went for red.
• A spray on varnish, I went for satin finish varnish for that shiny look.
• Masking tape, and lots of.
• Cotton buds
• Glue
• Newspaper
• Ribbon, buckles, ribbons etc - all optional but however you want to pretty them up.

                                               

 These are the shoes I started off with, I'd gotten them when I was sixteen for a party and they've been my go-to pair ever since but over the years they've gotten battered, scuffed, scratched and kind of lost their mojo, so I thought they were due for some TLC.

 Masking tape over all of the bits you don't want painting. I wanted them red but thought doing the whole thing would be a bit too much. Be sure to use lots and that it's firmly stuck to the shoes, I found when I peeled it off that little bits of paint had leaked under the tape but it was easy enough to clean off with a baby wipe as it stayed damp under the tape.

 Be sure to spray them outside or in a well-ventilated area. You don't want to get it on your furniture or on your pets! I got a few strange looks from my neighbours while wearing a scarf over my face (if you're asthmatic too or generally have a bad chest I'd recommend doing the same, or getting somebody else to spray them for you) and holding a can of spray paint in the back yard. My landlord still hasn't seen the two big red patches on the ground out there yet... So even if you're doing it outside it might be best to put newspaper down.

 Stormageddon wouldn't really suit being red, he'd clash with his viv interior.

 Leave them to dry for an hour or so, I left mine in the bathroom with the window wide open, just with it being a shared yard and I didn't want any flies or anything getting stuck to them. Once the first coat has dried spray on a second (again in a well-ventilated area/outside). Some patches may have appeared if the material isn't very porous but they should get covered up with the second coat. Leave to dry once again, it may take a little longer this time. Once they're okay to pick up check for any little patches that don't warrant spraying the whole thing but are still noticeable, if there are any then spray some paint into the top of the lid and fill in these patches with a cotton bud.

 Lookin' good! Recycling old papers at the same time.

 Once they paint is totally dry take them outside and spray the varnish if you're using any, it gives a nice finish to them. The varnish takes a little longer to do so make yourself a cuppa, watch some telly, perhaps do like I did and do those bits of DIY you've been meaning to get round to! Depending on the brand/type it may even be best to leave them overnight.

 When you're happy that the varnish is dry and you want to go ahead with dolling them up then prepare the bits you want to go on. I made straps out of faux-leather ribbon and buckles that you can find in any haberdashery department/shop and used some ribbon as a trim. I'm not great in heels to the straps really made all the difference for me, I felt much more secure. Superglue holds the straps well but I found that it took the paint away with the ribbon so if you can find anything more suitable please leave a comment!

 And voilà! Complete, comfy and gorgeous.

 I'd also like to say a big thank you to my lovely sister-out-law for giving me the idea to customise my own shoes after I got these beauties from her for Christmas.

 Yes, they are Doctor Who shoes ;)

Happy shoe making!

Update: The shoes in action!!

...Best not to ask